So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
