Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.