Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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