She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
