I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
