At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
