Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
