dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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