My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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