Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
