"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
