She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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