I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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