Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
