I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
