dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize