doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
