Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
