He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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