Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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