saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
