Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
