He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
