8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
