His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
