you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
