I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
