all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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