i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
