so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
