Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
