Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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