he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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