I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
