I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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