Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
