I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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