And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
