when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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