it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
