My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Randomize
