I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
