he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
