Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize