she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize