before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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