Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
