She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
