At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
