Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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