Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
