Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
