Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
