If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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