She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
