She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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