Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
did i walk over a car last night?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
