well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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