I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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