WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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