Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My vagina just clenched in fear
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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